On the train.

Now that baby boy is demanding to be seen from my middle region, people have been asking me left and right how I'm feeling.  Physically, I have zero complaints.  Compared to what I've heard from other women about their pregnancies, I think I'm breezing right along.  But in the last couple of weeks the weight of becoming a mother has really started to sink in.

The only way I can describe the whirl of feelings and emotions is that it's like being on a train that you can't get off of. In life, we have so many choices.  We choose what we do, when we do it, who we do it with.  We make some pretty monumental decisions, too - like getting married and buying houses - but all of those, even if inconvenient, can be undone.  But having a baby, after a certain point, is permanent.  He's ours forever, our creation, our responsibility. My life doesn't feel like it belongs entirely to me anymore.  My husband and I often talk about doing our best not to make decisions out of fear but the truth is if something ever seems too scary or too big, we can just back out.  But not this. And it's not that I want to.  I think it's just the knowing that I can't.  No matter how scary childbirth seems, I have to do it.  No matter how big parenthood feels, it's coming.

A few years ago my mom gave me all our old family photo albums, some of them going back generations and some just to my childhood.  When I was looking through them again, I noticed this photo collage she'd made when I was about two with a poem she wrote.  It has a really melancholy tone and I think I'm starting to understand it more now as motherhood approaches.

It's not that I don't 

know how but

there just isn't time

to plant and prune

and grow flowers

just now.

It's not that I've never

sewn a garment

collected and mulled

and collaborated with

patterns to fashion in

fabric and color

and flash.  But there isn't time right

now.

There's time enough

now for work 

and dishes and

sleep.

And any the rest that's 

left is for just

blue eyes and

bouncing and babbling

boisterous and beautiful

a baby no more

just growing so

fast just growing

so now.

Resolution.

Welcome to 2015!  It feels like I'm the last one to the party but I've just been soaking it in, savoring each morning I've been able to sleep in.  Back to reality today...

I'm a big believer in resolutions, and public ones at that.  I feel like it's helpful to look back and remind yourself what seemed possible when you still had 365 promising days ahead!

Last year I set one resolution and I plan to do the same this year.  Worry less.  That's it.  Just worry less.  2015 will be a BIG year for us with lots of changes.  Just cleaning out the room where the baby will go has got me stressed, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Between balancing changes to our finances, work, relationship and the total unknown of being completely and solely responsible for another living creature, there's a lot I could worry about.  But I also believe we choose how we feel about things and that our feelings are completely within our own control.  Isn't that a reassuring thought? Hard to live it but worth trying.

What are you resolving to do/be/see this year?

Weekly Wardrobe.

I was chatting with a coworker recently and she mentioned to me that she plans out her full week's worth of outfits on Sunday nights.  I've posted before about how we plan our weekly meals on Sunday and that if I don't make it shopping the rest of the week is an absolute mess!  She said the exact same thing about her outfits - when she doesn't plan them out she can't out the door on time.  I have to say, I was shocked by this idea!  But I'm completely guilty.  I'm late nearly every day because I can't decide what to wear, and even more so now that I've got the challenge of a bump to dress.  I'm learning that a good portion of my closet just doesn't fit the same way anymore - or at all!

So what about you?  Do you plan your outfits for the full week?  I might try it and see how it goes.

Dress the Bump.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Maternity clothes suck! Now that that I'm an expert on the matter - you know, since I'm almost half way there - I can impart some wisdom. Skip the maternity wear, embrace stretch, and size up!

Initially, I didn't want to wear and stretch out any of my existing clothes but I'm embracing a new perspective. If I can find super affordable non-maternity wear, what's the big deal if it's stretched beyond wear post-pregnancy? Since I'm not finding great fit in maternity wear and it's so expensive, a new game plan was in order. Here are a few of my recent purchases, that I couldn't be happier with!

dress the bump by thedailyromantic featuring long sleeve dresses

I've worn the black dress to several holiday parties and it's a steal for $18! I just picked up the striped ponte dress and it can easily be dressed up for a cocktail party or dressed down for work. I spotted an adorable bodycon dress on Pinterest and it led me to the brand Leith. This pink number was 40% off and I'm hoping it will work for an upcoming engagement party we're attending.

Oh boy!

Welp, figured it's time to dust off this here blog and start documenting a pretty big period in my life.  It's been a crazy few months filled with lots of intense work, my LAST (like ever!) semester of grad school, and a baby on the way!  I always imagined that I'd do weekly surveys to keep track of this special time but that definitely hasn't happened. Better late than never!  Let's start with week 18!

How far along? 19 weeks on Sunday!

Total weight gain/loss: Just about 4 pounds. 

Maternity clothes? Boy are maternity clothes disappointing... I started off strong at about six weeks with some adorable cropped work pants from Gap. Very misleading, everything else I've tried is terrible. So far I'm having the best luck with normal, stretchy clothes. Some maternity jeans are a must though, so the search continues.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Symptoms: Feeling great! I've been pretty lucky. The only issues this week have been lower back pain and an annoying pain in my ribs on the right side when I eat too much. 

Sleep: It seems like I have a great night's sleep every other night. On the off nights I'm tossing and turning or staring at the ceiling.

Best moment this week: Finding out the sex of our little peanut! Christmas eve/day were a close second.

Worst moment of the week: The drive to the ultrasound - let's just say pregnancy brain is in full effect and we won't ever talk about it again, k?

Have you told family and friends: Yes! The hubby tells perfect strangers everywhere we go.

Miss Anything? Champagne. No question. It's just not a holiday party (or hell, a friday night!) without it!

Movement: Not sure. A couple possible kicks here and there.

Food cravings: Up until this week I was having a total aversion to sweets. Those days are definitely gone. All sugar, all day, these days.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.

Have you started to show yet: Yes! I've had my first couple of strangers asking if I'm expecting. I'm half insulted, half excited!

Gender prediction: Girl! I was sure of it. And it turns out we've got a little boy kicking around in there!

Labor Signs: None.

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy with a side of emotional!

Looking forward to: Starting on the nursery. I can make some decisions now that we know what we're working with.

12 Years.

What a summer it's been.  My boss, and mentor, of many years unexpectedly passed away and it has turned my life up side down.  I knew she had been battling cancer for the better part of a year but when she returned last fall from a couple of months of intense treatment it didn't seem she wanted to discuss it and it was clear she didn't want to be treated as though she was ill, so I just continued on as things had been before her illness.  Partners in crime, my go-to for all things large and small.  

When she first died, I was consumed with wanting to know exactly what had happened and how she could have died so suddenly.  Did she know she was dying?  If so, why didn't she find a way to say goodbye?  To offer some guidance about how to move on?  I prayed that a card - wrapped in a giant ribbon, the way she always did - would arrive with a perfect note from her.  But time, as it always does, has healed those "wounds."  Two months later, though, I am still having difficulty accepting her death.  There are fleeting moments where my brain can't resolve whether this has all been a dream or not.  And the dreams.  I've always been prone to dreams of people who I see often, but I've been dreaming of her most nights, always trying to work out where she's been, relieved that she didn't really die after all. She was just so alive.  

More than anything, I've been thinking of how special she was to the world.  She was only 42 and had a six year old daughter, and I keep thinking how unfair it is that she had so little time but also how much she did with it.  I've been dumbfounded by the outpouring from the community over her death.  Perfect strangers, who must have no idea how closely we worked together, are still reaching out to me to express their condolences.  Most of them remember her graciousness and poise and her smile that could fill up a room.  A charitable fund was opened in her honor and it's already raised $150,000, a small fortune that will be bestowed upon the nonprofits in the area she most loved.  What I most treasured about her was her desire and ability to nurture talent.  I don't think I'd be the same person without her encouragement and guidance. She brought out the little bit of moxie that was hiding in me. She was generous with praise and often gave me more credit than I was due.  And she wrote so beautifully that I remember thinking the only thing missing from her obituary was her own wordsmithing.   

I can't help but think, if I had only 12 years left what would I make of them?  And if I were gone tomorrow, what would people remember of me?  I hope that they would remember a kind, compassionate and empathetic person, whose heart beat for others.  I've thought a lot about what I learned from this admirable woman and though her gold paperclips and pulled together wardrobe gave us a window into who she was, I want most to embody the way she never worried that letting others shine would diminish her own light.  Rest in peace, Leigh. You lived so beautifully.  

Giving.

Big news in the Bay Area today!  The headlines are abuzz about the $120 million dollar commitment to education in our area by a local philanthropist.  Even though I work in this world, I'm quite surprised by the negative commentary all over the internet, ripe with judgement about where and how the money is intended to be spent and critical of how money on a past project was spent.  I, myself, have been quite excited about this announcement, especially given that I live in the middle of the area we're talking about.  Do I have professional concerns about what that kind of money can do to a community?  Yes.  But do I think it's not worth trying to make a difference?  No!

I have an awesome job.  I think of my work like being a financial advisor – only I get to help people give money away to charities.  It really is the best kind of job, but often people ask me (somewhat jokingly) how they can get on my list!  The truth is, I often have zero say over where a client decides to give.  As long as the law allows it, I can seldom stand in the way of a contribution.  Sometimes I do have doubts.  Maybe I feel there is a more qualified charity doing better work, or maybe the organization has a mission I don’t personally believe in.  Worse yet, maybe it’s an organization I feel is promoting what I view as oppression or bigotry.  Or maybe I have concerns about the style of funding or potential outcomes.

This got me thinking about a class I took in college.  It was your basic sociology 101 but we spent a good amount of time talking about cultural norms in various communities.  The professor posed a question to the class about whether or not we thought it acceptable for a person on welfare to use the money (in part or in whole) to purchase an Escalade.  Most people felt, and my initial reaction, was that it was absolutely not OK!  “How dare they,” we all said!  But the professor persevered until he had swayed at least me that it’s not my place to judge.  You either buy into the concept of welfare or not, he said, and then you must trust the recipient to use the money as they see fit.

I share that story because it’s quite similar to how I feel about my clients.  It’s their choice to give money to charity, and it’s not my place to judge how or to whom they give.  Recently, a client asked me to help with a grant to an international organization that gives cash grants in extremely poor countries.  The organization has no reasonable way of tracking the cash once it’s been distributed, but they fall back on studies that say that people – poor or not – will generally always use money to sustain themselves.  Some of my colleagues had very strong opinions about the legitimacy of this organization and at first I did, too.  But then I thought of the Escalade and my reaction softened.  In a sense, I feel the same way about this announcement. The community isn't due this money - not under our current social contract where money equals power.  It's a gift from the philanthropist, and I hope he'll heed the advice of seasoned professionals and experts, but either way it's his to give.

Is it really my place to judge?  Or is it simply my calling to facilitate?